assisting God in a miracle

A few entries from my journal...

Thursday, April 22nd -

Today while at the grocery store with all three kids I bought a p-test...hid it under the other items in my cart, wondering why I was wasting my money once again because I was certain what the results would be. Got home, unloaded the groceries and originally planned to wait until the next morning to take the test because well that's what they recommend isn't it? How many people actually wait though?

I went into the bathroom and took the test...watched the hourglass flash on and off, on and off...thinking to myself, at that moment, about all the other times I've been in this exact place in my life...the results have always been negative. But, I just needed to know so I could go on without wondering. Maybe just maybe, but probably not.
Then that eight letter word appeared as if it were screaming out loud right at me...Pregnant. With unbelief I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. "Are you really pregnant...really?" All ability to perform any task that needed the least bit of concentration was absolutely not going to happen the rest of the day. I was in a daze. I hid the test in a drawer and tried to at least take care of the kids until Kevin got home that evening...I did go back to that drawer a couple times...just to make sure.

Friday, April 23rd - I took another test this morning with the same results. Today went by and my mind was in a fog. I went to the Internet and searched to see how far along I could be and what a possible due date may be. Kevin and I had a date night planned for Saturday evening....I began to make plans to tell him the BIG news on our date. I've always imagined and dreamed of how I would share this kind of news with him...I wanted it to be perfect.

It was so hard to keep such big news all to myself for two whole days. I felt like blurting it out at the store "Hey, guess what everyone...I'm pregnant!". I called my Doctor today because of my history of only being pregnant one other time and miscarrying shortly after finding out I was pregnant--that was eight years ago. I made an appointment for an ultrasound on May 4th hoping that I would make it that far and be able to keep the appointment.

Saturday, April 24th -

My plan was to wrap up the test and give it as a gift for Kevin to open on our date tonight. When I went to get the two tests out of my drawer, they were blank--guess they don't last very long. So off to Wal-mart to buy another box of tests. Test #3 - same results. I placed it in the box, wrapped it and tied it with a bow.

Time for our date -- we dropped off the kids at a friends house...I had butterflies. Arrived at Olive Garden and parked the car...I told Kevin that I wanted to give him something before we went into the restaurant. I handed him the box and grabbed the camera. He opened it and pulled out what he thought was a thermometer. We both had tears and it was such a good feeling to finally share with him what I had been keeping to myself for the past two days.

Tuesday, May 4th -

It was finally time for my long awaited doctor appointment and ultrasound. I didn't know what to expect at all and instantly this is what popped up on the large tv screen right in front of me. My tiny little bean took my breath away. I was so unprepared for the emotions I would feel at that moment. Then I saw the flickering heartbeat and really felt like it was not me lying there, but someone else. More tears. Kevin was in the waiting room with the girls and I wished so badly he could have been in there to see what I had just witnessed. I was eager to share the pictures with him and tell him all about it.

During the next few weeks, I had morning sickness sporadically throughout the days. The evenings seemed to be my worst time. Kevin would get home from work, and I would basically go straight to the couch...exhausted and nauseous. By the 11th week, I was feeling much better...morning sickness seemed to come to an end for now thankfully. June 1st -

Another doctor appointment today. This is actually considered my first official OB appointment. Kevin was with me today...I was anxious for him to be able to hear the heartbeat. When the doctor put the heartbeat monitor on my belly, we heard nothing. The seconds felt like minutes...still nothing. Finally, she decided that we needed to do another ultrasound to see what was happening. She sent us to a waiting area and we waited and waited and prayed. I was beginning to prepare myself for the worst. Our memories in the past of trying to get pregnant were full of disappointments and heartaches. Would this be another one of those moments?

Finally it was our turn. The ultrasound was underway and immediately there was our baby up on the screen...actually looking like a baby this time. "He" was flipping around all over the place and instantly she found a nice healthy heartbeat. Sigh of relief!! Kevin and I watched together in amazement at the life growing inside of me. I loved hearing Kevin's comments and the excitement in his voice at the wonder of this miracle. Once again there were tears.

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It's really true, we're expecting and full of joy over this opportunity that God has allowed us to experience. A dream we had let go of. The timing is such a miracle. I was talking with my doctor in March about having a procedure done that would reduce the pain of my monthly cycles. The procedure would have also eliminated the chance of ever getting pregnant in the future. It was a hard decision, but up to this point I had no success with pregnancy's. I had three beautiful adopted children...adopting in the future was also a possibility. I was planning to tell my doctor at my next appointment that I wanted to move forward with the procedure.

I became pregnant within weeks of that appointment.

As I type this post and share our joy, I can't help but remember the unforgettable memories of our disappointments and heartaches of infertility and miscarriage. Even after adopting our children, hearing others news of pregnancies and seeing pregnant mothers out and about was painful. I will never forget those years and my heart goes out to others that are experiencing it themselves. You are not forgotten.

Baby due December 19th, 2010. To God be the Glory!

And today I'm celebrating 14 years with a wonderful husband, Father & best friend.