Tuesday, March 10, 2009

close to the brokenhearted

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, " I have overcome
him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But....

I trust in your unfailing love,
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

-Psalm 13

Four weeks ago we were matched with another birth mother. Kimberly was due on April 20th. Once again excitement built in our household. We told our immediate family first. For some reason, I kept putting off making the announcement on my blog. I first wanted to call and tell friends & family personally...but admittedly there was a sense of holding back because of the failed adoption we experienced in January.

On Thursday we got a call from our attorney that the birth had taken place. It took us totally by surprise as we weren't expecting it to happen until the end of March at the earliest. I couldn't believe it!! Extreme excitement overflowed as we called our family and shared the news...but a sense of panic came with the excitement as well...I didn't feel like we were ready. How was this all going to work out? Our family immediately jumped forward to help in anyway they could...offering to help with the kids, pets, packing, laundry...whatever it took so that we could leave quickly for Florida without any burdens. We felt so blessed by their help and support. It was all coming together so beautifully.

I began packing on Thursday evening and had most of it ready by Friday morning. Our plan was to leave the kids with my sister and fly to Florida on Sunday. She and my mom would drive the kids down the following weekend to be with us. My mom came over on Friday morning and helped finish up all the laundry and ironing.

Our attorney was communicating well with the birth mother, had visited her in the hospital and set up a time for her to sign the papers on Saturday morning at 9:30. He also took some pictures and emailed them to us. We felt so good about everything this time.

Until...

the phone call we received on Friday afternoon...absolutely crushing our hearts and spirits once again... Kimberly had changed her mind.

You see, we had this big surprise building up that made this news even harder...there were two babies born that day...twin boys.


Today I ask myself, "what is the Lord teaching me through all of this?".

This is what He has spoken to me through others and in my quiet times with Him.

-It is OK to cry out to God in sorrow and questioning as did the author of Psalm 13. "How long will I have this sorrow in my heart?" God is not surprised by our questioning him or even our anger. There is nothing we can do to stop his love for us.

-It is OK to take time away...even Jesus went away by himself to cry out to His Father and mourn. On Saturday, I did nothing except unpack everything. It rained all day. I didn't want to get out of bed...I didn't feel like talking to anyone. There were no words. I cried.

- The pain doesn't get easier even though it's happened before...but there is an increased strength each time(if that makes sense)...there is a joy amidst the sorrow.
Kevin reminded me that we have lost five babies in our quest to become parents:
1. a miscarriage in February 2002
2. August 2005 - the baby boy we were to adopt died shortly after birth
3. January 2009 - a failed adoption with a baby girl
4. & 5. - March 2009 - another failed adoption with twin boys

-My love for my kids has grown and deepened...I didn't think that was possible because I thought I loved them as much as was humanly possible before. It's hard to describe, but I have looked at them differently these past few days...with deep gratitude and a deeper love. We had some happy times over the weekend...playing games and laughing together...just being together as a family was a comfort.
-I will absolutely step out in faith again...I will not give up even though there is a lot of fear now. If I didn't step out...even though I'm scared to death, I would miss out on His greatest blessings for me that are yet to come.

-God's unfailing love for us has not stopped...it's constant. We know because we can feel it. We feel it through the loving encouragement we receive from family and friends. We feel it through the smiles on our kids faces and their laughter. We feel it through our quiet times with the Lord. We will continue to trust that He has a hope and a future for our family (Jeremiah 29:11)and that He uses everything that we go through for our good (Romans 8:28) and ultimately for His glory.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and encouraging words on our behalf.

II Corinthians 1:3-11
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set out hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

Caedmon has been drawing family pictures a lot lately. This is his latest one.

12 comments:

heather said...

Oh Sherri, I've missed your blog posts. And bless you for sharing your heart with all of us. My heart is breaking along with yours on this last should have been adoption.

What a good girl you are at keeping secrets about the fact this "boy" was twins!!! I had no idea when I talked to you...you hid it well. Oh how much more sad to have seen pictures. And that this was Caedmon's prayer for your family. I admire your strength, even when you feel so weak. God has big plans for you Sherri. I am sure of that. I love YOU!

Jenn said...

Wow...I'm sobbing right now. I had no idea. Seeing those pictures, just makes it even more real. My heart breaks for you right now. I cannot imagine the loss you feel right now. Thank you for sharing with us.

You are an inspiration of faith, raw honesty and patience. You are a blessing in my life.

The song "Never Let Go" by the David Crowder Band came to mind as I spent time reading this post and praying for you. May you always feel that HE never lets go.

Love you!

Still praying continually...

Cottonista said...

Sherri, I have been crying with you too. Thanks for your honesty. Kevin, you have an amazing wife, who even in her deep pain, is encouraging all of us through this post. We love you guys!!

Jessi said...

I have tears in my eyes as I read this...the only words that come to my mind right now are "WHY God" so hard to understand!!! I cannot imagine the loss you feel. I am praying for you Sherri. Stay strong!! Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

krista said...

There still aren't words...

Guatmama said...

Praying for you as God strengthens His plan for your forever family. My heart aches for your heart.

Angie, Tyson, and Ethan said...

Sherri....my heart hurts for you guys...your blog post was intense and 'right to my heart'. Seems like there's way too much grief associated with this process sometimes. Our 2 failed adoptions made me feel extremely grief stricken, angry, and frustrated at God. But at the same time, trusting His plan...it's a hard combination/mix of emotions. Praying that extra strength heads your way and that you feel those prayers and know lots of people are here with you...

Nicole said...

Oh Sherri thank you so much for your honesty! You have an awesome heart! I wish I had answers for why these things happen but you are persevering and that is awesome! Love ya girl!

John said...

Sherri my prayers continue for you as you walk what seems to be an endless journey. Your honesty is amazing. I am glad that you have been strengthened these last few days. I love chatting with you so remember I am available
Sheila

Stacey said...

Sherri, you and your family are in my prayers. My heart is broken for you. God's plans are indeed perfect, I just wish he would show us the blueprints sometimes. God Bless,

Stacey

Kurtis & Aimee said...

Sherri, I just read your blog, I had no idea...I'm so sorry all this is happening. You guys are so strong. Thru it all, I know God has a special little one waiting for you, I know it's got to be hard but hang in there.

God is good and His love endures forever...you will be blessed in your patience! Love you guys :)

Grandma Ruby said...

Sherri and family, We love you all so much. Seeing the pictures of the little boys makes your loss very visible and personal. O God, watch over them and you. I'm praying He will bless your waiting arms with "more than we can ask or imagine." Our hearts are with you.